Day 3

  Day 3 in the journal reminds us to pray for encouragement & states it is usualy the toughest day.  Journal thoughts ask "What is the Holy Spirit showing you about endurance?"  my asnwer is that endurance isn't easy, it's work.  It's tough to make a concious decision to do or not do something.  I am seeing that I give up and give in easily.  I am easily broken.  Today I haven't felt spiritual at all.  To be honest I haven't felt like doing much of anything.  The best part of my day was this morning when the kids & I went outside to play and went walking.  It was on my mind when I woke up and 2b honest I laid around for a few minutes and by the time I got out of bed I didn't feel like doing it, but I felt like I needed to do it.  It was on my mind for a reason...which I still have no idea of, but it was nice to get out of the house and I really enjoyed being out with the kids.
   The 2nd thought from our journal is "What dreams are in your heart that only God can make possible?" and in my journal I wrote...to be debt free & have a stronger family.  But, as I read the question now I am going back to a few weeks ago when I was having a really bad day.  In my mind I was feeling unloved and unappreciated...I was doing laundry & something just hit me.  I thought "What is it gonna take for me to be loved like I desire to be loved?"  and in my self absorbed, woe is me moment..I heard "You know what you are wanting from someone else, I am wanting from you."  Oh my goodness, what, I couldn't believe it.  For the 1st time I really realized how much emphasis I was putting on my realtionship with my husband and putting God 2nd.  I desire such a deep love from my spouse that I don't even recognize how I am neglecting the relationship that matters most in my life, mine with the Lord.  Something in me desires a love that I can't even really describe...I have been looking for it in someone, insted of the one!  I don't know how to stop though, is the sad part.  I know how I feel so hurt and broken from this emptyness or lack of desired love.  I know that my God loves me and I love Him.  I don't understand why I want this love, that I know only the Lord can give...from someone.  I know he knows me better than anyone and he knows my hearts desires.  I just want to stop trying to make things happen on my own and recieve everything that the Lord has for me.  I am tired, worn out and even want to give up at times.  Yet I know who I can trust with my life and my family and I refuse to give up.  My faith is in God.  I know he's got this, I know he's working on me.  I am a continual work in progress. I won't ever be perfect or flawless.  Thank God he takes us just as we are.   I never want to settle for less than God's best in my life.
  My prayer tonite is that the Lord will keep me strong.  My hope is in you Lord & my faith is in You...I surrender all...and will be returning anything to you that trys to get me off coarse and disrupt our agreement, such as control issues or self confidence.  I am not taking on this stuff on my own anylonger.  I am trusting you and your word.  I am not looking at things as the world does.  I want to see myself as you do and know that you have a plan and purpose for me and my life.  I am busting the devil and calling him out, he is caught.  I see what he's doing and he is BUSTED and itentified.  He is bound in the name of Jesus, no more playing on my field...in any way shape, form or fashion.  And I loose the Holy Spirit to work and make whole, my mind, life, family & relationships.  I plead it and recieve it through the blood of Jesus...Amen