When I started supper a few minutes ago, I found myself reflecting on some of my many moments in life that go through my mind on a daily basis. Many times these memories set me off, I go into a negative attitude and relive the bad times and the feelings tend to bombard me and it is as if I am reliving it all over again. I tend to pull away from the person or people from specific memories and be hateful or start an arguement. In searching myself and asking myself the question "How do you forgive someone of something you feel they aren't really sorry for or haven't really apolagized?" All I could think about is how I had reacted in the same situation(bec. I have been in the same place), I thought about how sorry and broken I was in my apology and how they had to know I was truely sorry and I meant I was sorry with out a doubt with all my heart. Then the Lord spoke to me and said..."This person isn't you, no two people are the same and will react to things in the same way. This person may really believe they have apolagized & in thier mind/heart they have done thier part...yet you are sitting back expecting what you'd consider a true heart felt apology." BAM, he hit the nail on the head, in my judgement I was holding myself and someone else captive. Then the Lord said.."What if you never get it, which is highly likely. Is your peace of mind and happiness really worth dependance upon someone eleses actions of not meeting your requirements or idea of sincerity?" WOW, what now....sounds like it's time to let go & move on to me. There is alot more to this story & situation than most know, the matter isn't minor it was serious and many emotions and feelings always surface at the mere thought of it...I once heard someone say that they could forgive, but they'd never forge the memory. But, I heard a preacher once say that the memory will always be there(it's a part of you and shows your growth in the Lord), but the pain doesn't have to stay.
That is my prayer for me...I want to forgive myself for holding this person captive for so long and living in so much hurt. Waiting for an apology that I myself would have given. I pray that this person will forgive me for holding on to things for my own selfish reasons. The punishment went both ways inward(in myself daily) and outward(toward that person in actions and attitudes). I am thankful for my wonderful Lord and Savior for guideing me into His destiny and I know that through the blood of Jesus my life is moving in the right direction. I am moving toward my I must that the Lord has for me...my destiny is in His hands. In Jesus name, AMEN.
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